The weight of self-blame

Understanding Self-Blame and Over-Responsibility

Ever catch yourself apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong?

Or running through a situation in your head, wondering what you could’ve done differently, even when someone else clearly crossed a line?

If you’re the one who’s always taking the blame, even silently, you're not alone. Self-blame is one of the most common (and sneakiest) patterns I see in therapy and especially so among capable, emotionally intelligent women who are used to holding it all together.

Let’s explore where it comes from, why it sticks around, and how to start loosening its grip.

What is self-blame?

Self-blame is the internal habit of holding yourself responsible for how things turn out, especially when things go wrong. It’s more than just feeling guilty. It’s a deep, ingrained pattern of:

• Taking responsibility for others’ feelings or actions

• Apologising over and over again, even when unnecessary

• Overanalysing what you "should" have said or done (hello to that classic overthinking!)

• Struggling to assert your needs in case it causes a problem

• Thinking the problem must be you when conflict arises

It’s often invisible on the outside, but inside it’s heavy. Exhausting, even. Sometimes unrelenting.

Where does self-blame come from?

Most people don’t just wake up one day and decide to take on the world’s emotional weight. It’s usually a response to early experiences where blaming yourself felt safer than seeing the truth of a situation.

For example, if your parent or caregiver was emotionally unpredictable, blaming yourself gave you a sense of control.

Or if conflict in your home was minimised or ignored, self-blame helped you keep the peace.

Maybe you were praised for being mature, responsible or causing no trouble, so you learned to keep your needs quiet, or take the fall when things got tense.

And this isn’t about fault. It’s about survival. When self-blame takes root early, it becomes a way of being that follows you into adulthood: your relationships, your workplace, your inner dialogue.

Why does it feel so hard to let go of?

Because it’s not just about guilt. It’s about identity.

If you’ve spent years being “the reliable one,” the “emotionally aware one,” or the “fixer,” self-blame can feel familiar, even comforting. It creates the illusion that if you can just do better, try harder, or stay calmer then everything will be OK.

Letting go of self-blame often means facing some uncomfortable truths:

• That someone else hurt you or let you down

• That other people have their own accountability to take

• That your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s

And that’s no small thing.

How do I stop blaming myself?

Here’s where things get practical. You don’t need to go from self-blame to full-blown confidence overnight, but you can begin to shift the pattern.

Here are 5 starting points:

1) Name it when it's happening

Start by simply noticing when self-blame shows up. That voice that says “I should’ve handled that better”... Pause and label it: “Ah, here’s that old self-blame story again.”

Naming creates space between you and the pattern.

2) Ask yourself whose responsibility this is - really

It can help to check in with yourself. Try asking: “Is this something I can or should be responsible for?” or “Would I expect someone else to take this blame on if roles were reversed?” This question alone can be a game-changer.

3) Challenge the ‘always my fault’ narrative

Self-blame often lives in extremes. Notice when words like always, never, or should pop up and try replacing them with more balanced language like “It’s not all on me.”

4) Hold space for anger, too

Sometimes we blame ourselves to avoid feeling hurt or angry at others. But anger, when explored safely, can reveal where your boundaries were crossed, and what matters to you.

5) Remember: accountability ≠ self-blame

Being self-aware doesn’t mean making everything your fault. You can reflect, learn, and grow without taking on blame that doesn’t belong to you.

What does life beyond self-blame look like?

It looks like breathing easier in your relationships.

It looks like not spiralling after a difficult conversation.

It looks like saying “that wasn’t okay” without immediately following it up with “but maybe it was my fault.”

In therapy, we unravel the roots of self-blame and rebuild a relationship with yourself where you no longer need to take all the weight to feel safe or loved.

You don’t need to carry the emotional labour of everyone around you just to feel worthy.

Ready to stop holding yourself responsible for things that were never yours to carry?

Let’s work together on changing that pattern for good. Book a free, no-obligation discovery call to find out how I can support you.

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