Strong, independent… and exhausted? Why self-sufficiency can be a hidden form of self-sabotage

You’re the one people rely on. But who do you turn to?

You’re capable, independent, and always the one holding everything together. Your friends know you as the ‘strong one.’ Your colleagues trust you to get things done. Your family depends on you to sort everything (and everyone!) out. And on the outside, it looks like you’re thriving.

But inside? You’re exhausted.

Not just ‘I-need-a-holiday’ tired, but emotionally drained. Because the truth is, carrying everything alone all the time is heavy. And yet, the thought of asking for help feels… uncomfortable at best. Maybe even impossible.

So, let’s talk about it. Why do high-achieving, self-sufficient women struggle to lean on others, and why might it be the very thing keeping you stuck in cycles of burnout, overthinking, and self-doubt?

Woman sitting with her head in her hands ©Liza Summer

The myth of the strong, independent woman

Somewhere along the way, many girls and women absorbed the message that being strong means being self-sufficient. That needing help is a weakness. That the only way to be respected, valued, or even safe is to rely on no one but yourself.

Maybe you learned it early on by watching the women in your life push through without support. Maybe it came from past experiences where asking for help led to disappointment, rejection, shame or judgment. Or maybe, in a world that often expects women to be everything to everyone, self-sufficiency became your survival strategy.

Either way, this belief can be suffocating. When you pride yourself on handling it all, you don’t just avoid asking for help. You stop even considering it as an option.

How "I can handle it" turns into self-sabotage

At first, independence feels empowering. You make your own decisions. You don’t have to rely on anyone. You’re in control.

But over time, that fierce independence can start working against you:

• Burnout sneaks up. You take on too much, stretch yourself thin, and don’t give yourself permission to rest. Because, let's face it, who else is going to get everything done?

• Overthinking takes over. When you never lean on others for perspective, every decision feels heavier. You end up trapped in your own head, second-guessing yourself.

• Loneliness creeps in. You tell yourself you’re fine doing things alone, but deep down, you crave connection. You want to be understood, supported, and held without feeling like a burden.

• That self-doubt gets louder. When you never let yourself receive help, it reinforces the belief that you should be able to do everything alone. And if you struggle... Well, that must mean you’re failing, right?

Sound familiar? You’re not the only one.

What if strength isn’t what you think it is?

Let’s start by reframing what 'strength' is.

What if real strength isn’t about carrying it all alone, but knowing when to let someone lighten the load? What if it’s not about proving yourself, but trusting yourself enough to say "I need support"?

This doesn’t mean you have to start spilling your deepest fears to everyone you meet. It starts small:

• Accepting help when it’s offered, instead of automatically saying "I’ll sort it."

• Reaching out to a friend when you’re struggling instead of retreating into yourself.

• Noticing when your automatic response is to just handle it, and pausing to ask yourself if you really have to do this alone.

Building trust in others doesn’t erase your independence — it expands it. Because when you allow yourself to receive support, you free up energy for the things that actually matter.

You deserve support, too

If I've hit a nerve, it might be your gentle nudge: You don’t have to carry everything by yourself. It’s safe to lean, to rest, to let someone in.

And if you don’t know where to start? That’s okay. Therapy is a space where you can unlearn the belief that you have to do it all alone.

Ready to take that first step? Let’s talk. Book a free, no-obligation discovery call here.

Because strong women deserve support, too.